Thursday, March 20, 2014

Teen Wolf 3.23 Recap "Insatiable"

Previously on Teen Wolf: Stiles barfed himself up. WTF.

Isaac and the Murder Twins are bug-exterminated by Dr. Deaton. He literally shoves his hands down their throats and pulls out tiny flies. Couldn’t they just wait for the flies to exit out the backdoor?! Deaton, Kira and Allison discuss; the whole fly-possession thing was pointless plot device to fill in 30 minutes, since Teen Wolf only requires like 10 minutes of actual plot and action. The rest is all slow-mo and backflips.

Cut to Stiles being examined by Melissa . He’s wearing Scott’s shirt, and he’s in Scott’s bed and I’m super happy.  Melissa checks his vitals; apparently he’s a real person despite materializing out of the floor. They’re pretty sure this Stiles is Original-Recipe Stiles, on account of the fact that he’s not stabbing anybody in the stomach. Stiles invites Mrs. Yukimura and the Oni for a second opinion. Kira’s like, “Stop. You’ll get stabbed with swords.” I love Kira. Still, no worries. They brand him with the ‘self’ kanji.

Lydia is currently in Oak Creek, chilling with the ghosts. The Nogitsune pops up and we’re treated to the Jeff Davis specialty, pseudo-rape torture scenes! Joy!

Kira and her mom play Go. It’s super important because Scott and Lydia saw Stiles playing against the Nogitsune. It’s also super important because apparently information has to be shared in the most confusing, cryptic and time-consuming way possible. Kira isn’t buying the BS.

Sheriff Stilinski sits in his office, regretting his entire life. Deputy Parrish pops up, and offers to bring the Sheriff some coffee. Instead of saying thanks, he questions Parrish on why he decided to transfer to Beacon Hills, with the entire city, especially the Sheriff’s office basically being a huge Hunger Games arena. Parrish says he was “drawn” to Beacon Hills. Also, the TPTB decided that there can never be too many white dudes. Scott pops up with Original Recipe Stiles, and the Stilinskis share a bone-crushing, heartbreaking hug. Tears all over my keyboard. They discuss the Lydia sitch; what would the Nogitsune do with Lydia. Scott says something random about ‘the whole story’, and Stiles gets an epiphany. Remember the telephone girl from Eichen House? She might be a banshee.

Derek and Chris also hug it out, albeit only metaphorically. They agree to blame the Nogitsune for everything, because they love each other too much to ever try to burn each other alive. Sidebar: Derek is still wearing the thumbhole sweater. God Bless.

The Sheriff pops over to Eichen House, to look for Meredith. They go over to the closed ward; Meredith was moved there because she couldn’t stop screaming. The crazy sadistic orderly dude talks about how they sedated her with such Ted Bundy-like joy. Eichen house is legit the sketchiest place on earth. Why did Stiles not google that shit before he locked himself in? Anyway, Meredith manages to escape, by stealing the keys.
The Murder Twins do a Hansel and Gretel and wander off into the woods. Only instead of a cannibalistic  grandmother, they get shot with an assload of wolfsbane bullets. Derek piggybacks them to safety; they hide out in the Malia’s coyote crib.

Allison and Isaac find Lydia’s car. They sniff her out, apparently Lydia smells like a combination of genius, fabulous and sheer rage. They sit in the car and talk about their 50 Shades of Gray-esque night together, and Allison asks if he was Isaac, or Flysaac. Isaac says it was the real deal, and they share a super cute moment. Allison looks out the window and remembers how Scott would leave messages on her car window. She breathes on the glass, and Lydia’s message comes to light. “Don’t Find Me.”

Lydia is still chilling down in Oak Creek, getting tortured by the Nogitsune. He presses up against her, smells her face and basically gets all up in her grill, while droning on and on about how he’s hungry for feelings, and how insatiable he is. He kidnapped Lydia so he could eat her despair. Gettin’ real-tired of all these torture/rape scenes. Any future Stydia scene will forever be tainted by this weird horrorfest crap.

Back at school, Finstock wastes the few precious minutes of his students’ lives before they are inevitably turned into human sacrifices or burned alive, by raging into his phone regarding his ER bill from when he got poked by an arrow. Finstock: “$10,000? What’d you do, pull out the arrow and fill the hole with diamonds?” For reals. He lectures his students about  the whole healthcare thing, when Danny points out the stranger danger in class. It’s Meredith, filling in the Beacon Hills High psycho quota. They try to ask her what she’s doing there when the orderlies show up, carrying syringes and tasers. Jesus Christ. Kira tells Coach not to send Meredith away, because Lydia. Coach is like, who are you? He doesn’t have time for noobs.

At Casa Mccall, Stiles wakes up shivering with major crazy eyes. Scott pops up because of their telepathic brother bond. Stiles is super cold and in much pain, and he puts on Scott’s jacket, over Scott’s shirt and sits on Scott’s couch. Scott tries to cuddle him better. My feels.

Meredith heads to the music room to talk to the piano strings. She politely asks them to speak louder and enunciate more, because they legit sound Elvish. Ted Bundy shows up with his trusty old taser, and it looks like Meredith’s caught. Finstock comes to the rescue, and tasers the shit out of Ted Bundy, citing the no-bullying policy. Scott, Kira and Stiles usher her out, and bring her to Scott’s house.

In the Argent’s apartment, Allison is being her general BAMF self, and fixing guns and artillery. Chris pops up; congratulations Allison, it’s hunter graduation! He offers to help her make silver bullets engraved with the Argent family crest. Cooking bullets kinda look like cooking porridge. Allison feels more like making silver arrowheads, because the bow is her weapon. Argent is super proud of his strong, brave, bad-ass daughter. Allison tells him that she loves him, and she is proud of them. It’s a touching scene, and beautifully acted. It’s nice to see how far the Argents have come through the seasons.

Scott, Isaac, Stiles and Meredith head over the Scott’s house, where Agent Sperm Donor Mccall is chilling. FBI Agents sure have flexible hours despite the multiple murders and general carnage. Stiles tries to pass of Meredith as his girlfriend, but he’s not her type. Her type is Isaac. Stiles is like, “Isaac can come too.” #Openminded is on screen, and I laugh for years. The threesome head upstairs, and they try to figure out how to contact Lydia.

Meanwhile, Agent Mccall drops a truthbomb on Scott. My ‘ScottnStiles are real bros’ train is derailed, since Agent Mccall;s secret is super basic. the reason Agent Mccall left is because he was an alcoholic asshole. He basically pushed Scott down the stairs, and he hit his coconut hard on the hardwood stairs. Scott calls shenanigans, basically he hits his head a lot and he can heal, but he’s only ever had one dad, and he was never there for him.

Stiles and Isaac debate on whether to psychologically torture Meredith. I love antagonistic Isaac and Stiles. They’re like angry territorial cats. Meredith hears an imaginary phone ring, and Stiles hand his phone over. The spirits have spoken, and they say, “coup de foudre.” Lydia is at Oak Creek.

On the Argent homefront, Allison is making her arrowheads, but she’s missing something. She gets the memo from Scott to meet them at Oak Creek. Meanwhile, best bros Derek and Chris Argent bring the Murder twins into a shadowy location that might either be an abandoned murder house, or Derek’s loft. TBH, Derek’s loft basically is a murder house. Derek shows Chris the bullet shell casings, it’s not Mexican hunter Araya, but Chris Argent knows.

Mrs. Yukimura and her Oni bitches stalk into Oak Creek. She’s such a BAMF I hope they don’t kill her off. Stiles, Scott and Isaac are in the jeep, and ScottnStiles are having a moment, worrying about each other. Because Isaac is a territorial cat, he ruins it by calling Stiles out on his corpse-bride appearance. Stiles tells them to basically kill the Nogitsune if they have a chance, never mind the fact that they might kill him too. He remembers everything he did when he was possessed, and he doesn’t care anymore. Such tortured soul, much manpain. I just want to wrap Stiles up into a blanket burrito and cuddle him better.

Everyone is  finally at Oak Creak, and the action happens. The Nogitsune breaks Mrs. Yukimura’s foxtail knives and steals the Onis. They’re his bitches now. Isaac, Kira and Allison fight the Oni and the Nogitsune, while Stiles and Scott rescue Lydia. Lydia goes cray-cray when they rescue her; she’s told them not to find her, because she knows something bad is going to happen.

Isaac gets stabbed repeatedly, but they’re chill, because he’s a werewolf. Allison shoots an arrow at the Oni and takes it down. It’s a shortlived victory, cause she gets poked in the chest by a sword. She dies in Scott’s arms, telling him he’s the love of her life. Isaac looks on from the background ( In hindsight, and without all the tears clogging my vision, this kind of feels like Eleven’s regeneration scene in Doctor Who. Isaac is Clara.)

It was hard for me to write this recap because I was in such a deep state of denial and shock at her death. I was utterly wrecked from Allison’s death. I kind of always knew it would be Allison who died this season, because (a)she’s a woman, (b) she was massively underused this season; but that did not make it any easier to say goodbye. I loved Allison, she’s always been one of my favorite female characters of all time, and I was not ready to say goodbye. She was such a strong, complex character, and her story arc from a sweet, innocent girl into a fierce warrior angel was one of the best things about Teen Wolf. I have mixed feelings, and I get that Crystal Reed wanted to leave. I’ll miss seeing her face on my screen, but I hope she pulls a Colton Haynes and gets cast on a primetime superhero show (she’s is my dream Kate Bishop.) It’s bittersweet; Allison died following the code she created, protecting her friends, dying in the arms of the boy she loved.