Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Teen Wolf 3.22 Recap “Afterbirth"

Previously on Teen Wolf, Kira’s mom is a total 900-year old cougar who summoned the nogitsune to get revenge on scumbag white people. Surprise, Jeff Davis manages to blame the season’s Big Bad on a woman yet again.  The nogitsune is actually a fly, buried under the Nemeton, and was woken up when Allison, Scott and Stiles took their weird ice bath voodoo schtick.  The Sheriff, Derek, Chris and Allison track down Stiles, only to find him in Derek’s loft, as fear-boner inducing as always.

Stiles is standing in the middle of Derek’s Spartan loft (seriously, there is no furniture where does he sleep. Is his loft just a place for angsty push-ups or teen ragers?), when Sheriff Stilinski approaches him, holding out handcuffs. If Stiles is still in there, the Sheriff is totes sure he’ll put on the cuffs for everyone’s safety. Stiles agrees, and allows his dad to cuff him. Syke.  Stiles gets real strong real fast, and breaks free. Everyone else shows up, and tries to attack him individually. And now, the long-awaited Sterek scene of the season, wherein Stiles lovingly  kicks Derek’s ass. I was hoping for at least some light groping as he tossed him into the wall.

Actual loser Derek Hale, lost fight # 345567.

The Sheriff and Chris Argent get into a standoff, arguing about whether Stiles needs to die. Allison figures out that the Nogitsune just wants to absorb all the chaos, and tells them to stop. However, the oni appear. This was the Nogitsune’s endgame all along, tricking them into protecting him. A competency kink I never thought I had comes to light.


Scott and Kira take like 10000 turns to show off their badassery on his dirt bike, and show up late to the party. The oni are gone, and so is Stiles. Meanwhile, Mrs. Yukimura goes off to Eichen house to hide her last remaining knife/tail thing. She chills with her dead/ex-boyfriend’s corpse for a while when Stiles shows up. Yeah, because hiding the thing where you hid the last thing isn’t completely predictable. Stiles takes the knife/tail thing and stabs himself, seppuku-style. Plot twist. Flies burst out of his open stomach gash and I puke into my mouth. Just. What.

THE @!#$%%, TEEN WOLF???
Things got real dark real fast. The flies take a victory lap around Beacon Hills General Hospital, and burrows its way inside Isaac’s open wound. What the actually motherloving frakk. Sudden tonal shift to Scott/Kira sexytimes. She sleeps over at his house because she’s not cool with all the lying her parents have done. Scott, like the studmuffin-balll of sunshine- cupcake he is, offers to take the couch while she sleeps on his bed. Kira not so subtly tells her he wants him to get in her pants in the bed with her. The cuddle and kiss, and talk about saving Stiles. It’s adorable and perfect and I want to poke my eyes out because of how cute it is.
Meanwhile, a fly taps on the window and tries to get in the house. It bonks hits tiny insect brain against the Force Field of Cute generated by the Good Ship Scira. It fails.

Back at their apartment, the Argents discuss murder and other fun family-friendly activities. Allison reveals that she removed the firing pin from Chris’ gun. He’s Papa Bear proud, “That’s why the women are the leaders in our family.” 

Sure, because Kate and Victoria were just shining examples of compassion, restraint and general sanity. They never would have encouraged cold-blooded child murder or friendly arson. The Argent family is ace. Isaac shows up in Allison’s room, sitting in the dark, brooding. He has clearly graduated from the Derek Hale School of Casual Stalking. They make out, and once again, it’s super adorable, but slightly creepy. This is the one show that gets me to ship everything.

Isaac wants to do the sex. Chris Argent watches from the wide-open door.
Meanwhile, Derek plays chess, hoping to figure out the whole Derek-is-king thing the Nogitsune set up on Stiles’ chessboard. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate Tyler Hoechlin in that gray tank top. Bless.  
Praise whatever higher being created you, Hoechlin.
Peter Hale pops up, pointing out that Derek still hasn’t healed from his oni-inflicted wound. Cue about an hour of kitsune mythology, which leads to Peter pointing out that Chess isn’t really a Japanese Demon-fox thing, it’s 100% Stiles. Peter flounces off to go do whatever it is deranged psychopaths and mass murderers do in their spare time. Meanwhile, the fly makes itself at home inside Derek’s gaping shoulder-hole.

Seriously, they’re supposed to be werewolves. They have enhanced abilities, and a supernatural sense of hearing and smell. I can hear a fly that’s like, 12 inches away from me, are you telling me that these magical, supernatural beings can’t?

Back at school, Ethan and Danny play lacrosse and talk about the twins staying in Beacon Hills. A fly swoops up into Ethan’s nostrils and he and Danny have some wild shower sex. Get it, Danny. Meanwhile, Murder Twin #2 is driving around town with Lydia. I swear, the only way I tell these two apart is by who they’re currently canoodling with. Lydia follows her trusty GPS, and drives around in circles. Aiden points out that the GPS is actually turned off, and she freaks the frakk out. Turns out her mind-GPS works super well, as it leads her straight to Stiles’ passed out body. It’s in a parking lot. I’m going to pretend it’s a Walmart parking lot. For funsies. While they stare at Stiles’ body, a fly goes inside Aiden’s ear. Again, they’re supernatural werewolves, how are they not noticing giant flies living in their bodily orifices??!

Allison wakes up and Isaac is perusing her weapons drawer. TBH, was waiting for some hardcore 50 Shades of Gray Allisaac sexytimes to go down, but nope, Isaac is just going on a murderous rampage. Allison goes to stop him, but realizes he’s changed her to the bed.

Scottnfriends  drag Stiles’ limp form to Casa Mccall, where Deaton pops out his giant bottle of oh-so convenient Kanima venom. Wracking my brain for a scene in Season 2 wherein Deaton sneakily milks Kanima!Jackson’s lizard udders to get this lifetime supply of venom. Oh, Deaton. Unleashing one useless tidbit at a time.  While drugging Stiles, he suddenly wakes up and tries to choke Murder Twin # 1. In times like this, it’s hard not to love the Nogitsune.  Unfortunately, the venom takes effect before he completely asphyxiates Aiden, and murder twin runs off when his twin senses start tingling. They duct tape his mouth shut, because while the venom paralyzed him, he still won’t shut the hell up. (Bonus: Stiles butchers Japanese! Bah-key-MO-noh.)

Barely halfway through the episode, and there’s been like 10 gratuitous make out scenes, and like, 20 slow-motion fight sequences. The Sheriff pops back in, and so does Agent Mccall. The Sheriff is scheduled for his impeachment hearing, and it’s not looking too good. There’s a huge pile of unsolved cases, and like, 5 folders of solved ones.

Guess which is which.
 Agent Mccall reveals that he’s probably only an asshole 70% of the time by swooping in and saving the Sheriff’s job. Because TBH, I have no idea why people still live in Beacon Hills with all the mass murders, lizard creatures and animal attacks. Sheriff Stilinski deserves all the awards. Agent Mccall reveals that he only did the whole impeachment thing so he could twiddle his thumbs and chill with his good ol’ son Scott, which automatically ups his asshole ante by 100000%. The Sheriff gives him some fatherly advice; tell Scott his secret.
Back at Casa Mccall, everyone hashes and rehashes, Real Important Table Talk # 37. Topic? How to Stiles. Melissa bandages up his stomach gash, and the Nogitsune cons her by batting DOB’s big, Bambie eyes. He threatens to tell Scott the real reason Agent Mccall left. Apparently, Melissa called the Sheriff right after it happened, and Stiles overheard. He never told Scott because he knew Scott would hate his mom. (Real Talk: Hoping all the ‘you’re my brother’ thing leads to something, and the huge secret is  that Stiles and Scott are actual brothers, and the only reason he’ll be mad at Melissa is because he missed out on years’ worth of bunkbed sharing.) Melissa tapes over Stiles’ piehole.

Scott, Deaton and Lydia talk about the super special prophecy they found in Silverfinger’s silver finger. The whole ‘change the body’ thing. Except LOL, they’re not gonna do the thing because Jeff Davis said so. Lydia calls Peter up, and he agrees to help them on the condition that Lydia tell him who his daughter is. He examines Stiles, and apparently his mental condition does not make him surviving the bite a possibility. The only way, he says, is for Scott to sink his wolf-manicure into Stiles’ neck and basically inception Stiles.
Meanwhile, the flies possess all the wolves. Derek pulls a Peter Hale and goes cray-cray, tying Chris Argent to a chair. But before going on his quest for revenge, possessed Derek takes the time to put on his adorable thumbhole sweater. He actually puts his thumb inside the thumbhole. It’s adorable.
 “You burn my family, I burn yours.” Tyler Hoechlin recently tweeted that this was one of his favorite episodes, and I can see why. He puts in a solid performance as actual crazy Derek Hale. This was the whole mental breakdown, Argent-rage scene I was waiting for all three seasons. Major props.  

“Here’s Derek!”

At school, Ethan and Aiden go at it, blaming each other for being teen psychopaths. Isaac pops up and tasers the shit out of them. “For Erica! For Boyd!” Just tears, tears everywhere.  Allison and Kira show up to kick some major wolf-butt, and seriously. Allison and Kira beating the shit out of the Murder Twins. Allison and Kira trading weapons mid-fight. Allison and Kira discussing strategy. Just. Allison and Kira. Scott sure has a type.

Chris Argent breaks free of the chair, and grabs his gun.More gratuitous slow-mo fight scenes. In honor of his new bromance with Derek, he gives him a chance before he blows his wolfy-brains out. “I don’t wanna kill you Derek, don’t make me kill you, please.” More tears. 

 Lydia and Scott go spelunking in Stiles’ mind, and it’s super effed up. They end up strapped to beds in Eichen House. Lydia reminds Scott that he’s the motherlovin’ Teen Wolf, and he breaks them free. The Nogitsune splits them out, sending Scott to seven minutes in heaven with Allison, and Lydia to Season 1, where Jackson was still a thing and Peter munched on her. Peter screams in a Stiles-esque manner and breaks Lydia free from the illusion. They end up in the big white room, where Stiles is playing Go with the Nogitsune on the Nemeton. They try to catch Stiles’ attention, but he can’t seem to hear them. Lydia puts her big, beautiful brain to work and reminds Scott, once again, that he is THE Werewolf Jesus and Stiles is his boyfriend in his pack. He roars, and Stiles hears him, knocking over the game.

This seems to break the hold the flies have over the wolves, and everyone faints after a black goo nosebleed. Scott, Lydia and Stiles wake up, and thing seem a-OK. Lydia tells Peter, that Malia is his kid. Suddenly, Stiles vomits up a pile of bandages, and the Nogitsune pops out of the pile.  JUST. WHAT. DA FUQ, TEEN WOLF?!

Turns out, the Nogitsune is Stiles, and Stiles is the Nogitsune. Basically, Stiles gave mouthbirth to himself. While everyone shits their pants, and is basically, “WTF?!”, the Nogitsune disappears with Lydia. Scott runs after them with classic Werewolf-Jesus nobility.

At least Stiles gets a super cool leather jacket.
Stiles post-MPREG.

Next Week: Once again, Lydia is kidnapped and involved in a pseudo-rapey situation. Chris Argent and Derek Hale go for a drink and gossip about berserkers, kanimas and kitsunes. Scott imprints on Stiles like a barnacle. Allison and Isaac revisit their 50 Shades of Gray roleplay.