Friday, March 7, 2014

Glee Recap 5.10 "One Three Hill"

This week's episode of Glee begins with Schuester and Bambi copulating in the faculty bathroom when Becky walks in on them after she hears loud thrashing. Quite a disturbing way to start an episode. The two are summoned to Sue's office and they admit to having sex all over the school - EW just EW. Bambi claims that there are windows of time where fertilization is most likely (whatever that is) and they apparently come by during any time so now is the best time to do the deed so they could finally conceive. Of course Becky is permanently scarred, like the rest of us. Sue's face when she finds out they're trying to get pregnant just embodies all my thoughts about this storyline. 

"Oh God. Why?" she whispers. Definitely one of my favorite quotes of this episode is when Sue says that she understands that pheromones could cause some women to want to copulate with "man children with butt chins who befriends teenagers and can't rap." Shining moment of this episode and pretty much articulates how I feel about Bambi/Buttchin wanting to procreate. Emma then mentions that she only needs to put her feet up on the table as they had a "successful emission" and that's it, I'm out! That is by far the most disturbing thing on this show after Sam's face and that horrible Christmas episode, and that is saying a lot. 

I think Sue speaks for most of us when she says "Get the hell out of my office. DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT! DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!" I think I preferred it when Buttchin was angsting with his man pain and Bambi was busy cleaning her office.

Now we go to Tina, Blaine and Sam performing their trio number with a Destiny's Child song. Schue gives a few sentimental words which totally makes Tina tear up because they're about to graduate and she doesn't want to say goodbye. They have a group hug, Artie tries to get in but they push him away because he has Kitty and had his turn last week. They ignore him when he claims that a trio is 25% less powerful than a quartet.

Rachel is rehearsing with a full band when Elliot comes in with her rehearsal clothes, green tea and a key to his apartment. Apparently Rachel is now staying at Elliot's apartment where she sleeps on his bed while he is exiled to the couch. She refers to him as her 'new best gay' to which Elliot responds that he doesn't like it because it makes him seem like a pet and  it is offensive even more than the Christmas episode. Elliot makes it clear that he's only in for good music and friendship and the two do their awesome rendition of Barracuda.

Meanwhile in Mckinley, Blaine and Sam try their graduation togas and Tina walks in on them and cries even more and then starts her monologue about highschool friendships not lasting because the glue to it is highschool and they become lazy asses after graduation so the friendships just fade away. She even goes far to mentioning that Sam and Puck used to be so close but now they barely talk and that she has never talked to Rachel on the phone for months. Oh right, she totally forgot to mention that Blaine and Kurt haven't even interacted or mentioned each other (that phone call last episode does NOT count). And they're supposed to be engaged!

Sam remedies this by offering to send her Vine impressions in exchange for boob vines from her. Tina is touched by this and flattered that someone actually noticed her boobs. Oh God please stop. Totally inappropriate. Just because you were deprived of men for the last 7 years after Mike Chang left and you spent it moping around because you were in love with a gay guy doesn't make sense that you will find it flattering that a man beast looks at your boobs. Ew. 

"3 years together and he finally notices my boobs? Victory." Tina says. Wait it's only been 3 years?

Blaine proposes something "epic" - an overnight lock in. I still think bringing a cow to school would be more fun, but alright let's just go with it.

Meanwhile, Schuester and Emma find out that they haven't conceived yet and when Will tells her that he's already set an appointment  to  go to a fertility doctor, Bambi walks out because Buttchin apparently does not have faith in her baby making machine-ness. Sue and Coach gives him advice to  stop pressuring her. Both are pretty gross with Coach Beiste's farm animals and Sue's Kenny G and Michael Bolton story, but Sue's is more disturbing overall and I start to question why I still watch this show.

Tina is super excited about the first annual senior lock in but Sue cancels the event because of Obamacare and Tina breaks down AGAIN (Oh God please STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JFC TINA SHUT UP IT'S NOT FUNNY). Blaine and Sam comfort her and they plan to sneak in the school and have their own lock in - because sleeping in school is just so much more fun than just having a regular sleepover in one of their houses. Sam brings up Tina's boobs AGAIN and compliments her because they apparently have grown bigger. So much disgust. Blaine's face is a sure indication that I'm not the only one sick of all these boob mentions.

Back to New York and Santana is busy putting ferrets on her hair when Elliot walks in. She tells him about her grand plan to ruin Rachel Berry's life and calls her a Jewish Hillary Clinton. 

"Where does Rachel keep her sheet music?" "Up her butt."

When Santana finds out that Rachel is now staying at Elliot's place, she completely freaks out and calls Elliot a traitor and you go Elliot when he replies "but I barely know you." Accurate. He says he needs the money and then Santana says that Auntie Snix will give him just that.

Blaine appears as the Dark Feather once again and oh god I am so sick of this. Sam is right for the first time, Blaine does find whatever excuse to put on that stupid costume. They launch into a cover of Don't You Forget About Me and it's awesome because I love Breakfast Club but they do a lot of loser-ish things and I realize that these actors are literally paid to make fools of themselves. There are a bunch of things that look fun like the scooters and fire extinguishers but things get weird when there are weird faces drawn on their mouth. Becky interrupts them and pushes them to play Twister with them. Becky starts to become a joke on this show and it was actually even better when she was just a PSA.

Now we go to the most disgusting couple in TV history Buttchin and Bambi. I kind of skipped this part but basically Buttchin is painting the nursery and Bambi walks in on them and they start singing about having a baby and end up probably making love. Ew. Pretty irrelevant scene and you realize that the writers are only giving them more screentime to compensate for the huge amount of money they pay them.

Back to the lock in. Blaine walks in on Sam and Tina making out likes such slobs - there are a lot of walking in on this episode and a bunch of disturbing things (which happens pretty much in every episode actually). Blaine freaks out and runs away.

Rachel get mad because Elliot and Santana are hanging out together and she accuses him of being a traitor and that Santana got Kurt so she cannot get her new best gay. They bring their rivalry to a higher level with their rendition of Gloria. Elliot is pushed into the middle of this performance while Kurt is busy sitting down and hanging out with table napkins. Elliot quits the band and is enough of the drama because he just wants to have fun.

Blaine accuses Tina and Sam for ruining their unforgettable Senior lock in and they tell him it's no big deal because everyone in the Glee club makes out with each other, which Blaine doesn't understand because he only likes having occasional hugs with Kurt and doesn't need anything else. Blaine brings up that he is even more mad because he wasn't able to go bumper bowling with Artie and Kitty which he turned down to spend time with Sam and Tina.

Kurt gives Santana and Rachel the last chance to fix their issues and is quite unsuccessful, so Kurt kicks them out of the band and he forms a new band with Dani and Elliot, and that they'll be having a show.

On to the show. Kurt announces that Pamela Lansbury is gone and someone screams "what!" Someone actually cares. ???

Santana and Rachel can't comprehend why Kurt would rather be in a band with Demi Lovato and Adam Lambert more than them and that people are actually clapping after their amazing performance. What a shocking revelation.

The next day, the two almost make up-ish over underwears and scented candles. They admit to not having had any girl friends, Brittany not counting because Santana was in love with her and Quinn not counting either because she lives an hour away and that they never really thought of calling her. Really.

Blaine finally proclaims that he is retiring his cape (Thank God!) and he apologizes to Sam and Tina for freaking out because people you don't expect to make out happens a LOT around here (yes, yes it does). Another group hug and this time Artie is finally welcome to join in as they sing their final number. The other Glee people act enthusiastically and laugh in the background and you realize that they didn't even have any speaking lines this whole episode.

The New York and Mckinley people sing Hold On and it's probably the only redeeming part of this episode. It would've been a good way to end the episode but turns out there's more because we are back to Schuester and Emma. They find out Emma's pregnant. Oh dear God this cannot go well.

"Are you really pregnant or just pretending to be?" Schuester asks. And it turns out she really is.

Story of your life, Buttchin.